


I’ll Hold On Until You’re Home

by alistoney



Series: 3b inspired works [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18 Coda, 3x19 speculation, Angst, Canon, M/M, and it is sad, breakdown - Freeform, fight, they both breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 13:40:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18522685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alistoney/pseuds/alistoney
Summary: Alec had made a deal. Their relationship for Magnus’ magic. And Magnus was furious. Furious at him for going to Asmodeus behind his back. For taking away Magnus’ choice. For thinking losing him wouldn’t break Magnus irreparably.





	I’ll Hold On Until You’re Home

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on the breakdown/fight Harry mentioned.
> 
> Title from You’re Not Alone by Astræa
> 
> Enjoy!

Magnus slammed the door open. Felt magic spark off his fingers in rage.

He knew he should calm down but he didn’t think he could. He’d gone numb when he’d first figured it out. Could still feel the cold stillness that had flood into his blood as he’d made the connection. The single moment of shock before the anger had alighted hot and violent under his skin.

Alec had made a deal. Their relationship for Magnus’ magic. And Magnus was _furious_. Furious at him for going to Asmodeus behind his back. For taking away Magnus’ choice. For thinking losing him wouldn’t break Magnus irreparably.

Alec was out of his chair, hand reaching for a weapon in less than a second before recognition flooded his gaze.

“Magnus.”

His voice shook over Magnus’ name and if Magnus hadn’t been so angry he might have basked in the relief of hearing his name on Alec’s lips.

Instead he took a step into the room, magic still sparking off of him and looked Alec straight in the eye.

“How _dare_ you.”

He hadn’t planned what he was going to say. Had acted on pure impulse when he’d made a portal and stormed his way into the Institute.

“Magnus,” Alec repeated. His hand lifted in an aborted move to touch Magnus’ arm, before falling back to his side.

Magnus couldn’t figure out whether to be disappointed or glad that he hadn’t touched him. He wasn’t sure he wouldn’t just melt into Alec’s touch and fall apart completely.

“How _dare_ you make a deal behind my back.”

Magnus hadn’t broken their eye contact and he saw the exact moment Alec understood what was happening. His eyes went wide for a long second before everything in him seemed to shutter closed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said, face carefully blank, voice hard. It was the same voice he’d used to break up with him. At the time Magnus had been too panicked to notice it for the lie it was.

Magnus scoffed.

“Enough bullshit, Alec. You lied to me.” the words came out harsher than Magnus had intended but he couldn’t take them back now. Didn’t know if he even wanted to, even when Alec flinched and dropped his head.

“He told me you could never know.”

When Alec looked back up his eyes were wet. Magnus’ first impulse was to gather him into his arms and brush the tears away but he stopped himself.

“You didn’t have to take the deal.”

Alec was shaking his head before Magnus had even finished the sentence. He’d moved forwards towards Magnus without him noticing and he was close enough to touch now.

“What else was I supposed to do?” Magnus’ heart lurched at the way his voice broke over the words. He looked years younger as he looked down at Magnus with wide wet eyes, “You told me you’d never be happy,” another shuddering breath, “That I couldn’t fix it.”

Magnus felt his hold on his emotions break apart and he threw his hands up in frustration.

“I didn’t _need_ you to fix it Alec. I needed you to stay with me,” his own voice betrayed him as it broke over the last words. The last words he’d said to Alec. A desperate plea against his lips while Alec hadn’t even been able to look him in the eye.

“To hold me through the tears and keep me from falling apart, and instead you _left_.”

Magnus didn’t think he’d ever forget the way it had felt like the entire world was falling apart as the door swung shut behind Alec. The numbing twist of his heart in his chest and the feeling of being abandoned by the one person he’d never seen it coming from. He remembered standing there in that spot for too long, staring at where Alec had been. The phantom touch of his skin and lips the only feeling against the numbness that had taken over.

The memory fed his anger. He’d handed Alec everything he’d needed to break him and Alec had used it all.

“Do you have any idea how much it hurt to think you didn’t love me? That I was too much for you to handle? You took everything I’d laid bare to you and used it to break my heart.”

Magnus didn’t know when he’d started yelling but his voice echoed in Alec’s office and he was breathing hard by the time he’d finished.

A single tear slipped down Alec’s cheek and he didn’t wipe it away. Magnus watched the path it made, over his cheekbone and down his neck.

“Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” Alec said.

His voice was thick with emotion. Raw in a way Magnus had never heard before and Magnus shook his head, trying to will the tears he could feel blurring his vision away.

“Then why did you?”

“I had to”

Alec made a sound like a choked off sob and Magnus couldn’t stop the tear that slipped down his own cheek, his chest aching with it.

“No you didn’t. You could have told me you were going to talk to my father. You could have given me a _choice_. We’re supposed to trust each other.”

Magnus’ voice was still loud and angry but he couldn’t seem to keep the sharpness in his tone. Not when Alec was crying in front of him, not when his own vision had gone blurry against the tears.

“Magnus,” it was the third time Alec had said his name since he burst into the office, the thousandth since they’d met, but it was so broken that it didn’t sound familiar at all, “I couldn’t bear to see you hurting. I did it because you deserved to be happy.”

Magnus thought about that night on the balcony when Alec had said all he wanted was for him to be happy. The way he’d held Magnus in his arms as he’d fallen apart. He remembered thinking Alec was the only thing keeping him from unraveling completely.

He shook his head and moved forwards towards Alec. He brought a hand up and cupped Alec’s cheek, tried not to think about the last time he’d held Alec’s face between his hands. Alec let out a shuddering breath at the touch and Magnus brushed away stray tears from his cheeks. His skin was warm and familiar against his fingers and Magnus closed his eyes.

“In what universe do you think losing you could ever make me happy?”

He said it in a whisper, a soft exhale into the space between them. Magnus wanted to bask in Alec’s breath against his cheek and the warmth of his skin that he thought he’d never feel again. But too suddenly Alec was pulling away.

Magnus blinked his eyes open to find Alec taking one, two, _three_ , steps backwards.

He was shaking his head vehemently and clenching and unclenching his fists in a way that Magnus knew had his nails digging into the skin.

“When it comes down to it you can’t honestly say you’d pick me over your magic,” Alec got out after a long moment. And he won’t look at Magnus anymore, won’t meet his eyes, “you’ll get over me eventually. You’ve done it before with everyone before me. But your magic-“

Magnus couldn’t stop the sob that broke out of him. He’d tried so hard to keep himself together but the idea of getting over Alec had pushed him over the edge. Because no. Alec wasn’t like all the people before him. Losing Alec had felt like losing a part of his soul. He’d wanted to erase him from his life completely just so he could stop feeling like there was an unfixable hole in his chest.

Alec had held his heart so carefully, so gently, that Magnus had unknowingly fallen for him in a way that he’d never fallen before. Magnus would never have another love like Alexander Lightwood, that much he was sure of.

“No,” he said, cutting Alec off, “I won’t get over you. You are _not_ like everyone else.”

Alec was frozen on the other side of the room and Magnus moved to gather him into his arms.

“You are the single love of my life Alexander Lightwood,” he whispered, hands in Alec’s hair and lips a breath from his.

Alec choked on another sob and then he was surging forwards to connect their lips.

The kiss felt like coming home. Like finally finding his footing again after being lost at sea for too long. He tasted salt on his tongue, didn’t know whose tears he tasted and didn’t much care. Because that kiss in the bookstore wasn't the last one. That one sided desperate kiss wouldn’t be the last bitter memory Magnus had of his Alexander’s lips.

When they pulled apart Alec pressed their foreheads together.

“We’ll fix this,” Magnus murmured, eyes still closed, kiss still tingling against his lips.

Alec breathed in deeply and nodded, pulling Magnus closer and into a crushing hug.

“But we’ll do it together. No more lies,” He finished.

Magnus buried his face into Alec’s neck and breathed him in.

He was home.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!! 
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated
> 
> Tumblr: [lightwormsiblings](https://lightwormsiblings.tumblr.com)  
> Twitter: [alistoney1](https://mobile.twitter.com/alistoney1)


End file.
